The first time I thought of leaving my husband I was 22 weeks pregnant. He was unemployed and spent his days parked on the couch, or fishing & hunting with his dad, without a care or worry in the world.
“I’ll get a job when I need to,” he would say.
Then there was also his complete unwillingness to improve our relationship. I didn’t want to give up the chance, a fat chance, but still a chance that maybe he would be a better husband once the baby arrived. Some men do change. He wouldn’t. It actually just got worse.
When I was five months pregnant I started working on the nursery. My mom, sister, aunt & cousin came over and helped as much as they could. I could not have done it without them.
Boxes were everywhere. I did what I could. After work I’d come home and unpack. Soon I had managed to clear every small box and scoot every light piece of furniture and even decorate most of the walls. But there were still piles and piles of boxes too heavy for me to lift. Days went by and the boxes sat there. Every night I would ask him to move them and every morning I’d wake up and they’d be in the same spot.
Finally I started crying, pleading with him – practically begging, “Can you please just move them? I’ll tell you where they need to go.”
“Why? Why right now? I’ll get to it,” he yells from his spot on the couch.
And then it happened. He picked up a heavy medium sized box and threw it at me. The box barely missed my pregnant belly and hit me in the knees. I kept my balance and then, shocked by what just happened, felt a little scared. I realized that I actually didn’t know this man at all. I didn’t know who he was when we got I married and I didn’t know him now. But I was pregnant with his child, “No,” I remember thinking, “This is not his child, this is my child.”
For the remainder of my pregnancy I focused solely on myself and the baby. I would read & talk to Hunter while he was growing, patting my stomach and telling him everything was going to be okay. Meanwhile my relationship with my husband continued to deteriorate. The fights and the violence continued and one night he actually pushed me – belly and face forward – into the steps. I caught myself with my arms saving the baby from the impact. I didn’t tell anyone about it. Not a soul. I was ashamed that I was married to such a creep. I couldn’t leave him though. Not then, not while I was pregnant. Instead I chose to play the happy little wife to keep everything calm and relatively peaceful.
I had been playing the guilt cards delicately in my mind, avoiding reality for too long and in turn, effectively overlooking it all – giving myself one reason or another to stay.
And then my moment came. He was pounding on our bedroom door. My body was pressed up against the wood, my cheek against the grain. Hunter was nestled in our bedspread – listening to it all. Yes. He couldn’t understand. But then it dawned on me – if I stayed with this man, my son would one day grow up and speak to women this way, or worse, treat me this way.
And that was that.
Having no father at all, or one who is barely around, can’t be worse than living with a father like this. And if this was what marriage was like, or my marriage – then I’d rather be single and alone.
Was I really going to give up my entire life or any chance of happiness just so my son could have a father in the house? Did I want Hunter to grow up with miserable parents who were only together for him?
For some women this is possible. For me – not an option.
So I did it. I left him.
I left my husband when my son was 16 weeks old. I left him on a Wednesday. My baby had surgery on Friday, 2 days later. My husband didn’t show up. As a matter of fact, he didn’t even call.
I was now a single mom. I took it one day at a time. I didn’t think about the future or how I would get back on my feet. I just buckled in for the ride.
I know there are so many women out there in horrible marriages, sucking it up for the sake of their children or because they have no way to leave him financially and it’s those women who my heart really goes out to. Sometimes I look at my life in two alternate universes or scenarios. What if I would have stayed?
I can’t even imagine…
After a year of being in and out of court, going thru custody, divorce, child support….it was finally over. He decided, in the end, that he didn’t want Hunter after all. And he certainly wasn’t going to pay child support. So, I had to go back into court and file for his rights to be terminated. I had to prove to a judge that I was stable & that I was capable of being a mom & a dad. And I did just that! I had an unbelievable support system. My parents & my sister held me up more than once. I would not be where I am today with their love and support.
When you are a single mom it’s hard to find time to paint your toenails, let alone go out on a date. We don’t have time for rules or drama. We also look at men differently. They could look hot in that pair of jeans but will they be a good father? Would they be a good husband? We also have to let go of our past and move into the future without the fear of being hurt again. There aren’t any clear answers and what we find on the other side of our journey is a mystery until we get there. We’ll definitely hit a few bumps and maybe a pothole or two.
